I once had a dream of attempting to fly a red, plastic kite. I’m sure you’re thinking of the kites you find at dollar stores with the flimsy plastic, white string, and yellow handles. However, this red, plastic kite was not like any other kite you’ve ever seen. This kite was made out of a much thicker plastic, and the shape of the kite was more like a rubbermaid storage tote. Yes, I was attempting to fly a red, plastic rubbermaid storage tote! (The strange details of a dream never fail to amuse…)
But back to my dream…everyone else could fly their red, rubbermaid storage tote of a kite. But then there was me…and I could not.
I also couldn’t get up out of the water on water skis when I was 20. I was with the boy I was dating (that I’ve now been married to for nearly 14 years), and we were on a youth trip at Table Rock Lake, Missouri.
The fact that everyone else could get up out of the water except me left me feeling highly embarrassed, incredibly frustrated, and very insecure.
My 20-year-old self resigned to the fact that I “wasn’t good enough.” Everyone else was good - just not me. Everyone else could use their strong thigh muscles to withstand the force of going from neutral to 25mph within seconds - but not me. My long, skinny legs that served me well as a long-distance runner didn’t fair so well in boots strapped to water skis, hanging onto a rope, attached to a boat that was supposed to “pull me up out of the water and onto plane.”
Liars.
And after trying more times than probably comfortable for everyone else watching from the boat that afternoon, I gave up. Good thing the water sport involved a lake, because my tears blended in beautifully with the lake water, and no one knew the wiser. It was a defeat that stung so deeply and created a spiral in me that I’m currently working on unraveling a decade and a half later.
And if I’m being honest, all throughout my marriage, ministry, and motherhood, there has been this underlying tone of “not good enough.” It’s fashioned itself like a flashing neon sign out of the corner of my eye. I can hear the hum - much like the noise of a fan coming from another room. It’s subtle, but the sound brings an awareness nonetheless. And if I were to give this sign my full attention, the letters would spell out the word:
I - N - A - D - E - Q - U - A - T - E
And if we’re being honest, this sign flashes at all of us at some point in our lives. Some of us have seen it, yet only briefly in passing. Others have done a double take, but have had the maturity and security to move right along. While others have not only noticed it, but have pulled up a chair and sat down right in front of it - staring at the letters - and allowing the word to permeate their heart.
But the truth about a lie is this:
“A lie believed as truth will affect your life as if it were true.”
And that will preach.
Feeling inadequate will not only plant the seeds of “not being enough” but also “not doing enough.” And nearly five years ago, I started noticing these seeds taking root in my heart…
I got into watching “Fixer Upper” on Netflix and loved how Chip and Joanna Gaines interacted together on camera. I’m a builder’s daughter, so I absolutely love watching when gifted people have the vision to make “somethings out of nothings.” I was also impressed by the fact that time and time again, Chip and Jo would hit their deadlines and make other people’s dream houses a reality. And with hundreds of thousands of dollars of budget and projects on the line, they would also manage to simultaneously raise their sweet, growing family.
And what bothered me the most about it was that Jo looked hot doing all of it! With her long hair, pretty makeup, shellacked nails, beautiful leather earrings, and Birks (can’t forget about her Birks)…she’d make the magic happen.
I’d look at Jo and everything she had so successfully going on, and think to myself, “I bet she can waterski. Yep, I bet she got up on her first attempt too. And, I bet, she can even fly a red, plastic rubbermaid storage tote of a kite.”
In those moments, I fell into the Comparison Trap. I pulled up a chair in my mind, sat down, and began staring at the large, flashing neon sign with the word “inadequate.”
But again, “A lie believed as truth will affect your life as if it were true.”
And as much as I love Chip and Jo, and admire Joanna’s giftings to the world with Magnolia Farms, her magazine, and the textiles you can now find in the Target aisle…I’m sure there are fears she’s had to deal with and insecurities she’s had to overcome as well. Yes, I guarantee she’s faced her fair share of sacrifices and struggles in their marriage, family, and career - like all of us have and do.
Although it’s healthy to be inspired by people who are successful in their passions, it becomes unhealthy the moment we view where they are at versus where we are at as the measuring stick of our success. And the Bible is very clear when it comes to the Comparison Trap and what happens when they [we] “compare themselves with themselves.” It says, “they [we] are not wise” (2 Corinthians 10:12).
This is why I love the framework of Galatians 6:4-5 so much. It says,
4Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5for each one should carry their own load.
The truth is, I wasn’t called to flip houses or edit a magazine or run a business. I was called to be found faithful with what God entrusted me with! I don’t want anyone else’s plate or load, I just want to be found faithful carrying my own.
And as I wiped up the chocolate milk that my youngest had managed to spill all over the breakfast bar, stool, and floor the other morning…I realized that I’m actually very good at what I do.
Honestly, I kill it. Day in, and day out, I’m made for this! The laundry, dishes, and meals… The structured lessons on reading, writing, and arithmetic… The more organic lessons on humility, sharing, and kindness… The teaching my children how to love God, obey their parents, and treat adults with the proper respect they deserve…
Yes, I’m even built to navigate my own call to write and passion to speak as I lean into the giftings God has called me to - all the while simultaneously raising my sweet, growing family.
That neon sign may flash at me, but I know the truth. I know my enemy, the “father of lies” put it there. He beckons me to turn my face, to pull up a chair, to sit and stare a while.
I won’t give him the satisfaction though. I’ve stared at it for far too long.
And upon that revelation, Truth makes an unforgettable entrance in my heart and boldly marches over to where I’ve been sitting. Truth grabs ahold of me and I’m instantly swept up to my feet. The sudden change of position sends my thoughts reeling - yet never before have I been so steadied.
And then Truth grabs my hand, and gently - yet firmly - marches me over to the flashing sign that shouts at me that I’m inadequate. As I get closer to the sign, I notice flaws, errors - even holes in the story. Something fierce resonates from deep inside of me, and with all the resolve I possess, I shout back,
“LIAR!”
And when Truth is the loudest in the room, the lie not only hushes, but the sign begins to flicker and falter. And Truth doesn’t stop there…Truth grabs the power cable of the sign that reads “inadequate” and yanks it violently from the wall.
When Truth walks into the room, Truth doesn’t just compete with the lie, Truth defeats the lie altogether.
And Truth is like a power surge that cannot be contained. Just like in the movies, the fuse fries, the breaker is blown, and sparks fly everywhere!
And the moment that that happens, there is an explosion in the Heavenly realms where I picture God, the Father, leaning forward on His throne and rejoicing that His daughter is finally seeing herself as the way He see hers.
And when everything grows calm again, I realize that in all of the commotion, Truth installed a new sign in inadequate’s place.
And this one I like much, much better.
It very powerfully reads:
E - N - O - U - G - H
Instead, of believing the lie the enemy has tempted me to believe, I’ll turn my eyes to the Truth - to the Truth that “sets me free” (John 8:32). “And he who the Son sets free is free indeed” (John 8:36). And as one set free, I know that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13); that the One who is in me “is greater than the one who is in the world” (1 John 4:4); that “nothing is too hard for the Lord” (Jeremiah 32:17); and the plans He has for me “are good and not evil” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Yes. I will no longer be believing lies as if they were truth, I will simply believe the Truth.
It turns out, I can water ski. I just had to give it another go.
It turns out it was just a stupid dream because storage totes were never meant to fly. So, I’ll stick to flying the kites that you can find at dollar stores with the flimsy plastic, white string, and yellow handles.
And it turns out, I can do everything the Lord has called me to do, and by His grace - and through His strength - I am adequate. Yes, because of Jesus, I am enough.
And so are you, my sweet, sweet friend.